Hard Feelings

One of the most common misunderstandings about nervous-system-informed parenting (and honestly, healing work in general) is the idea that the goal is to prevent emotion, particularly difficult or uncomfortable emotions.

The thought is that if we do it “right,” our children won’t feel sadness, frustration, anger, grief, or distress. That we won’t feel those things, either.

That is not the goal here.

Being human means experiencing discomfort. Children are meant to feel disappointment, frustration, sadness, and anger at times. Adults are meant to feel overwhelmed, unsure, sad, or tender at times. These emotions are informative responses to life.

The goal is not emotional bypassing, or freeing ourselves from noise, struggle, and an emotionally rich life. It is about changing how we understand our emotions, move through the struggle, and remain connected through it all.

Our goal is also to avoid unnecessary distress. Pushing past limits repeatedly, ignoring early signs of overwhelm, expecting skills that aren’t developmentally available yet, trying to “power through” instead of tending to our needs; these are all patterns we can change in order to meet our life more fully and embody our experiences.

Our goal is to move through challenges while strengthening our resiliency, building our capacity, and building deeply connected relationships that feel sturdy through it all.